Through the Fire
A new car! I almost wish I had taken a photo of the new and the old side by side so you would see what I saw, but I’m also relieved I didn’t. I was embarrassed by the condition of my good old trusty 2002 Toyota Corolla. Her engine was still good but boy was she a hot mess! Paint peeling, dents and dings, stinky from mold, filthy! Oy.
I have been planning on a new car for a while. I thought I would just go look and test drive on Saturday and of course, I ended up coming home with a new trusty steed. So, I hadn’t put any effort into cleaning old BlueBelle up at all. My salesman was very kind and didn’t say a word. He quietly helped me pack up all my stuff, reminding me not to forget the glove compartment ( where, in fact, there happened to be a pair of gloves, lol) and the side pockets.
The new car is big, shiny, and comfortable. Somehow it feels like a male car. I usually name my cars but don’t make a big deal of calling them by name. This one is Black Beauty, and he is man enough to like being called beautiful. LOL!!
As the two cars sat side by side and as I was waiting for something (there is a lot of waiting involved in buying a car!), I saw how this purchase totally reflects the work I’ve been doing lately and wrote about here.
Self care! I was taught to drive a car until it’s undriveable. Buying a new car before you need one is frivolous. Blah, blah, blah. The truth is that little Blue Belle’s time was ending. I loved her but she looked like a piece of crap. That reflected back on me. Is that how I see myself ? well, sometimes yes. Do I want to see myself that way or have others see me that way ? NO. Right there is an absolutely beautiful reason to get a new car. I had the money. I had the time to go do it. Yay, I did it!
A week later, I’m still learning how to drive it. It’s bigger and tougher. looks kind of badass, old lady badass anyway. I already need to take it to the car wash tomorrow. Pollen is everywhere ! It sort of feels like a rental car still. The seats are awesome! Not all broken down and raggedy, very comfortable and more adjustable. I’m up a little higher so getting in and out is easy. That’s the best part of the newness. That was really as important if not more than the esthetics.
More caring for myself. Being careful. Several of my friends have said they feel better knowing I’m in a safer car. Interesting. Allowing myself to be comfortable! Oy. I didn’t even really know how uncomfortable I was in that old car. More shifting and growing. Feeling worthy of being comfortable, of being safe. I am so relieved and so glad to be moving away from all that OLD crummy self esteem stuff. It’s been on its way out for quite some time but those last pieces are getting flushed away!
Buying a car is a big deal because of the money involved for sure but it’s a really big deal on all kinds of levels. Who knew ?
When the salesman and I first looked at the car and during the test drive, I made several mentions of comfort being important, that sometimes purchases were impacted by my size, etc. He was awesome! so matter of fact and perhaps a little embarrassed by my casual mention of adjusting the steering wheel so it wasn’t making contact with my belly. It so wasn’t an issue and that made me really want to buy the car from him. I thanked him at the end. He made a lovely comment about how nice I was and that I reminded him of his mother. I am older than his mother I am sure and I am old enough to be able to take that as the supreme compliment that it was. He is a man who takes good care of mama. And, now this mama has learned a little more about taking care of herself.
I’m planning a big road trip in the fall and I look forward to a long healthy relationship with Black Beauty. I’m looking forward to more growth on this self care path.
Heigh Ho, Black Beauty! Off we go.