Through the Fire
Ahhh, the end of the year and all the chaos, oops I mean joy, that it brings. Actually, it does bring both, doesn’t it ? And such a paradox that is! We just passed the Winter Solstice so the light is beginning to return, but this is the darkest time of the year. It is the time that our bodies and spirits are meant to slow down, to hunker down for Winter. Even though, here in California and most of the Western world, there is no more real need to hunker down anymore. There are places where snow stops things now and then. By the way, I googled “hunker down” and no one seems to know its origin other than it means to squat. Hmmm. Spiritually, winter is a time for going within, to sleep more, and deepen our dreams. Shamanic cultures know this to be a time when Mother Earth sleeps and dreams. And what do we modern people do ?? Fill it with insane shopping, parties, commitments, and family gatherings! Hmmm.
While I am doing well not getting caught up in the hectic part of the season, I have gotten pulled inward and have been feeling and examining some deep stuff. It has been hard for me to keep some of my commit-ments, such as blog posting. This, in turn, is helping me look at what my intentions for my writing are. This is a good thing for me to regularly examine. My vision for my blog/website/writing/work is belief in having a healthy relationship with body and food.This is what I stand for. I believe this is possible for all, no matter what particular diet you follow and no matter what you look like. I am shining a light into those dark corners of shame around eating, and the whole myriad of emotions that get attached to it and our bodies. I’m standing in the light of my own experience and emotions. I do this for you and, most definitely, I do it for myself.
I have been examining some things and doing some letting go around issues not directly related to that. Deep, dark, dirty work. I’ve been feeling pretty raw. I surprised myself today by having it pointed out to me/realizing that my blogging slow down is not just about being busy or getting “distracted” by all that emotional intensity. I caught myself up in the belief that you needed me to be not necessarily perfect but in “good shape” ( what a weird expression that is!! making myself laugh because I am all about every shape being good). I can tell you stories but they need to be wrapped in some sort of pretty package or make you smile at the end. Um. no. Going back to my vision, I am also about transparency. Those happy ending stories have much to teach us, and are fun to write. I’m also about the gut wrenching stories, the ones that aren’t shiny, that we don’t know the ending. If I am not learning and growing my from own writing, then I need to take a look. Am I coming from that “expert” ” I have it figured out” place? the tied up with a pretty bow place ? ( ha, bringing it back around to the holidays)
I haven’t been eating as well lately. I haven’t been doing all of the self care practices I know. Of course this happens! Of course it happens when some part of our life gets discombobulated, when we get off course. Of course when something rocks my core, I am going to reach for the old tried and true methods of coping. That extra glass of wine, the fuck you bag of cookies. Sigh. Dammit, I’m human after all. Of course, there is also freedom in that as well. The choice is always mine. Humans are known for sometimes/often/frequently/occasionally making a choice they may later regret or feel shame.
So, here I am. I am committed to self examination and growth. I am committed to transparency. In the coaching session, out of which the above revelation occurred, I also was reminded that I am in the process of reinforcing/strengthening my support system, looking for where true support comes from, learning better ways of seeking it out and asking for it. This helped me realize that the actual act of writing a blog post IS support. What a relief. Instead of stressing about inspiration, shame because I’ve committed to writing a post twice a week, and I haven’t been doing that, I can be transparent and get support from the writing. Yay!
Thank you for helping me realize these things. I so appreciate this safe place where I can feel and write about things that might be scary or ugly, things that are difficult. Thank you for helping me continue to heal and grow. I do hold you all in the Light of truth and love. I am in there with you. I am grateful for your support. I am learning to see myself as an Invitation to intimacy. If you want to reach out to me privately for a conversation, you can email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. Publicly, please feel free to leave a comment here below.